Drivers license

"Don't smile Saar !.....oooooohhhkay!", prayed the computer operator for the 3rd time, at the Regional Transport Office, asking me to stay put and stone faced while he pointed the webcam at my face. Try Hard as i may, i could not supress the bubbling joy and the idea that i might finally get my driver's licence.

Getting a licence was my official entry into the motorists' world. As i realized later, my actual lessons began only after this.

Commuting problem in bangalore can be broadly classified into two : Roads and drivers. Often against each other, drivers try hard to run down other drivers and animals, while roads try to maul those who are left.

Driving in Bangalore is more or less a cake walk, except that the chances of falling face-first into the cake is really high in this case. Roads are generally designed keeping motorists' morbid designs in mind, including huge pot holes which cater to the bungee jumping fraternity who have lost interest in cliff side getaways. Road humps live up to their name most of the time, and look like magnified ramps which drivers can optionally use to do a wheelie when they are bored of running down pedestrians. Idealy, the concept of roads in Bangalore is "an area where a house or a tea shop should not be built by law", and instead is a public playground, and a resting place for cows and buffaloes after a mid-day meal. Here the road is a great leveller, from the president to the bamboo thief, there is no sparing when it comes to roads.

Signals and zebra crossings are usually used to add glamour to the otherwise bland road, and are strictly for ornamental purposes only. As a child i used to wonder as to why a zebra would be foolish enough to cross the road only at the given place. Most still believe the same when they are adults too and cross the road everywhere but at the zebra crossing. Its like that "womens only" seats in public buses, here it is "Zebras only"!. Signals add color to roads giving motorists cheap entertainment and momentary challenge, while they try to jet past the road before the orange turns red. Basically signals test the driver's patience to wait for the green signal, and are not necessarily bound by law to wait for it. Many believe red is lucky for them, and so choose to cross the road when its red instead.

Lanes only add confusion to the chaos. for all practical purposes, a lane can be defined as "that part of the road, which must be used only when the driver in front of you doesnt". Waiting for the crackpot driver in front would hurt one's ego, and is generally not accepted in the driving community. instead, a quick look behind and a swift turn keeps one in good stead. The white markings on the road provide for neck to neck racing, more than defining lanes. "Stop" signals are required to trick drivers into loosing the race, and the fool who stops at the sign is not only an airhead, but also an imbecile oaf or atleast that is what he gets shouted at by drivers behind him "Yaako @#%$#$% magne nilsiddu ?" ( why did you stop you &&@#$#@$# ?).

While the general understanding of a flyover is the same when it comes to the outside world, it takes a slightly different meaning when it comes to authorities in bangalore. They are usually keen on taking the literal meaning, and leave the flyover half built up to the ramp , so that motorists can actually FLY OVER after that point. Obviously, the government is keen on saving money, so they leave the public to run helter skelter when that occasional drunkard driver forgets to see the dingy board which says "Flyover Incomplete. Sorry for the delay", and drives over the flyover to complete the sentence for them ", but you'll still reach hell in time".

Interestingly, Roads are the only source of annual income to quite a few departments in the goverment. The Bangalore Mahanagara Palike(BMP) and the water supply board(BWSSB) are like enemies in bed, both fight the crap out of each other for funds, one to lay and repair roads, and the other to dig up roads and repair underlying water pipes ! That was until recently. Over the years they have learnt to work together, the BWSSB now allows the BMP to build roads or repair them during the first six months of the year while they burn the hookka at home, and in turn diligently dig up the same roads during the next half of the year looking for that evading broken pipe damaged while laying the roads ! Now both departments are happy, and since roads and water pipes are constantly repaired round the year, people at any point of time are either fishing for water, or are being fished out of flood water.

The only time roads look smooth and levelled is in the rainy season, when mud water covers up the pot holes, providing the motorists with a live minesweeper game(for those who have played it). Pot holes generally come in varying sizes, and while the authorities sleep on it for years, motorists lose their sleep while tripping into it. Known for getting crazy showers at odd times of the year, roads in bangalore look more like as though saddam had used it to test his armour piercing missiles. For the lucky few who stay in the route of VIP motorcade, roads are maintained and decorated like they are being given away in dowry for the visiting VIP.

Getting a driver's licence is as easy as walking down the street, but only if you go through a tout, who apart from having 'inside contacts', will optionally learn driving for you instead, if you are ready to pay the extra amount. The RTO is infested with crooks and rabid owls who turn their head 360 degrees at the sight of a Rupee. For those who'd rather take the legal way, they'll either end up driving a cycle all their life, or spend half their good age running from desk to desk.

As for drivers, Bangalore has more of Divers than drivers, since they dive to grab any free space available on the road which might take them an inch ahead. Drivers come in two types, the good ones and the bad ones. The bad ones drive on the road, and the good ones take the bus to commute.

Many have weird misconceptions/superstitions about driving on the road. My foray into driving also attracted a number of driving advisors. My cousin used to tell anyone who cared to listen, that a good driver is one who kick starts a bike and not let it switch off, even by mistake, until one reaches the destination. Wonder what he thought those reverse counting timers on signals (put up so that motorists could conserve fuel by switching off engines until the signal turned green) were for - to blast the signals ?. As browny points he used to add, "..and if one accomplishes the journey by driving only in the 3rd and 4th gear, then he/she is a driving genius", both of which my cousin had proudly accomplished. Conserving fuel was probably not his forte. On another instance, one of my tenants who had bought a brand new luna, used to pray loudly every morning poking incense sticks to the headlight and shouting out "Devre office ge hushaargi thalpisi bidappa !"( oh god take me to office safely"). The zig-zag way in which he used to drive his vehicle, god must have been praying back to him "oh boy ! please let others reach safely to office, then i'll think about you !".

If there is one area where women and men compete neck and neck almost beating each other in their own game, then driving in bangalore surely is one of them. Of course women would beg to differ, and so do men. while male drivers honk and zoom past when they see a female driver , female drivers give back in kind by overtaking their victims from all directions.

A significant number of people in India don't mind being late for an appointment/meeting, but when they are on the road they transform themselves into riding whizkids, that is they whizz past like kids. It is more like jumping into an arena, where everyone is expected to perform, so the motorist with his beastly bike revvs up his engine, almost shouting loud "haven't i paid for this road, give me way!". The problem is the mentality of a lot of drivers. I was driving to office one day, and had to stop to wait for a signal when a cockeyed fool on a 'pulsar' bike started honking asking to give him way. This fool who also happens to work in the same company as mine, was very cautious about following rules within the office, and guess what, he even gave me way while driving within the campus. Morons such as him are more worried about reaching office early, than actually working there.

The number of vehicles being added to bangalore each day, on last count, has probably beaten the birth rate of the city. A gross exaggeration agreed, but 900 additional cars per day is not a small count. Of course IT companies( CEOs actually ) in Bangalore pop their eyes out crying hoarse that the city is going to dogs, but hey they'll still have 10 cars each that they'll want to use on any given day. While they propose humungously foolish ideas to overcome the traffic situation, they try their best to flood the city with a 100 more people each day and use the choicest words from oxford dictionary to condemn whatever is left of the place. Kids can learn a lot about hypocrisy just by looking at the pictures of these CEOs.

While roads continue to be a bigger problem, we motorists add a lot more to it than we give ourselves credit for. Roads will still get better one day, but the Driver ? only time will tell...